The Marriage Bureau was a burnt out shell after the Huguenot riots in Paris, with our army gone and France at war with the rest of Europe the outlook was pretty bleak. The only bright spot was an invitation to the Lynch Mob Annual Conferance and Knees Up in their secret mountain lair. I still had Charles IX, the Duke d'Alencon and Louise of Lorraine to marry, but catherine de' Medici sent me anyway to represent the interests of France agains the massed hordes. I was welcomed as an honoured guest, Felipe explained that they had been a bit too hard on me and the Sultan announced that France was now a member of the Lynch Mob, or the "Righteous Coalition" as they called themselves. The Protestants were there and so was M'lady of England, but the Emperor was strangely absent.
I soon found why with Metz and Lyons siezed from the heart of France the Empire had overreached itself and was now in danger of winning the game. To avoid anyone winning the game was the driving force of the Mob as the Sultan took to the stage. "Disorder! disorder!" he cried, banging his gravel on the podium as the crowd put down their tea and cakes and began waving pitchforks and flaming torches in the air. "We must defeat the Evil Empire" he screamed "France and I are already at war with this Foul Beast, so you must declare war to Smite the Infidel (present company excluded). You are With Us or Against Us, we must share our gold and treasure (especially if it comes my way) so I can take Vienna and Prague and make sure that the Empire cannot win." The Lynch Mob howled its approval, Spain promised treasure to France and the Ottomans to carry on with the Crusade/Jihad (he could not fight himself, the Emperor being his cousin and all, besides his gout was playing up). The others promised to play their most evil cards to wreck the Imperial Army and swept up with emotion the mob stormed out of the meeting to ravage Germany.
A free treasure was an unexpected bonus as I only had the pro-Protestant Synod of Emden and Taxis Family Couriers. There was a suggestion that Alencon should marry Elizabeth and when he was jilted she would use her influence to make him Pope. I didn't mind having the pope in my back pocket, but it was thought too complicated and the deal fell through. Not forgetting my raison d'etre I offered the Protestants a double marriage; Henri de Navarre with Louise of Lorraine and Charles IX with Louise de Coligny. Unsurprizing he turned it down flat and made his own offer. I would cede two spaces so that he could take Lyons off the Empire, a deal which would almost certainly encourage a Ultra-Catholic reaction against my begine rule. Well, I refused that and the Protestants went off in a huff, refusing to declare war on the Empire. I was rather suspicious of the Lynch Mob and saw no reason to help them wreck another empire. I was able to slide out of any commitments, noth that anyone expected me to do much seeing as I was roadkill after the mob-stomping I received in the last five years. I kept Gouvernante de France in my hand to limit the Protestants insiduous control of la belle france, even though Black Queen could give me two cards or revenge by assassination.
With the Protestants out of the picture I offered Charles IX to Elisabeth of Austria, along with a mandatory peace deal and teamed up Alencon with Louise of Lorraine. This left Lyons in Imperial hands, but I couldn't take it and it stopped the Protestants from moving in. He was glad to make the deal and even offered me some German cleaning staff to help around the house. there were very efficient, whenever another snowstorm of diplomatic notes came in from the Mob I just threw them in the bin, and they would clear them up right away.
Well, off to the Diplomatic Ball. The Emperor was soon aware of his impending doom; "What I don't quite understand is how I have become the bogeyman of Europe." wept the Emperor "After I fall, it will be a climatic fight between the Spanish and the Ottoman for control of the game, while you and I struggle to rebuild. Prots will try to win this turn, and next turn as well. Not sure what England can do." Grand Visier Bob annoucned we were all "Greedy, twisted imbeciles" (in a nice way) cackling with glee as he ran his fingers through the piles of gold and gems given to him in tribute by Spain, England and the Protestants. Spain hired 1,000 mercenaries from the Empire (?) and after I shocked the assembed mob with my plans of marriage the Protestants declared Louise de Coligny would bigomously marry William of Orange, but no one noticed except Henri de Navarre who checked the wedding invitations and decided against using the Garudian in future.
The Ottomans declared war on the Empire, packed his hoes into a Vista Cruiser and drive-by'd his way to Buda. Spain spent Don John to sea to stop him being murdered (by irate husbands). England sent 1,000 mercs to see the pretty Dublin lasses and Hawkins to London to build racing galleons, only there were not ships there and he had to relocate to Plymouth. I reinforced Rouen (4,000 trusty Catholics in each city), the Empire reinforced Pressburg and William of Orange set the sat-nav to 's-Hertogenbosch.
I soon found why with Metz and Lyons siezed from the heart of France the Empire had overreached itself and was now in danger of winning the game. To avoid anyone winning the game was the driving force of the Mob as the Sultan took to the stage. "Disorder! disorder!" he cried, banging his gravel on the podium as the crowd put down their tea and cakes and began waving pitchforks and flaming torches in the air. "We must defeat the Evil Empire" he screamed "France and I are already at war with this Foul Beast, so you must declare war to Smite the Infidel (present company excluded). You are With Us or Against Us, we must share our gold and treasure (especially if it comes my way) so I can take Vienna and Prague and make sure that the Empire cannot win." The Lynch Mob howled its approval, Spain promised treasure to France and the Ottomans to carry on with the Crusade/Jihad (he could not fight himself, the Emperor being his cousin and all, besides his gout was playing up). The others promised to play their most evil cards to wreck the Imperial Army and swept up with emotion the mob stormed out of the meeting to ravage Germany.
A free treasure was an unexpected bonus as I only had the pro-Protestant Synod of Emden and Taxis Family Couriers. There was a suggestion that Alencon should marry Elizabeth and when he was jilted she would use her influence to make him Pope. I didn't mind having the pope in my back pocket, but it was thought too complicated and the deal fell through. Not forgetting my raison d'etre I offered the Protestants a double marriage; Henri de Navarre with Louise of Lorraine and Charles IX with Louise de Coligny. Unsurprizing he turned it down flat and made his own offer. I would cede two spaces so that he could take Lyons off the Empire, a deal which would almost certainly encourage a Ultra-Catholic reaction against my begine rule. Well, I refused that and the Protestants went off in a huff, refusing to declare war on the Empire. I was rather suspicious of the Lynch Mob and saw no reason to help them wreck another empire. I was able to slide out of any commitments, noth that anyone expected me to do much seeing as I was roadkill after the mob-stomping I received in the last five years. I kept Gouvernante de France in my hand to limit the Protestants insiduous control of la belle france, even though Black Queen could give me two cards or revenge by assassination.
With the Protestants out of the picture I offered Charles IX to Elisabeth of Austria, along with a mandatory peace deal and teamed up Alencon with Louise of Lorraine. This left Lyons in Imperial hands, but I couldn't take it and it stopped the Protestants from moving in. He was glad to make the deal and even offered me some German cleaning staff to help around the house. there were very efficient, whenever another snowstorm of diplomatic notes came in from the Mob I just threw them in the bin, and they would clear them up right away.
Well, off to the Diplomatic Ball. The Emperor was soon aware of his impending doom; "What I don't quite understand is how I have become the bogeyman of Europe." wept the Emperor "After I fall, it will be a climatic fight between the Spanish and the Ottoman for control of the game, while you and I struggle to rebuild. Prots will try to win this turn, and next turn as well. Not sure what England can do." Grand Visier Bob annoucned we were all "Greedy, twisted imbeciles" (in a nice way) cackling with glee as he ran his fingers through the piles of gold and gems given to him in tribute by Spain, England and the Protestants. Spain hired 1,000 mercenaries from the Empire (?) and after I shocked the assembed mob with my plans of marriage the Protestants declared Louise de Coligny would bigomously marry William of Orange, but no one noticed except Henri de Navarre who checked the wedding invitations and decided against using the Garudian in future.
The Ottomans declared war on the Empire, packed his hoes into a Vista Cruiser and drive-by'd his way to Buda. Spain spent Don John to sea to stop him being murdered (by irate husbands). England sent 1,000 mercs to see the pretty Dublin lasses and Hawkins to London to build racing galleons, only there were not ships there and he had to relocate to Plymouth. I reinforced Rouen (4,000 trusty Catholics in each city), the Empire reinforced Pressburg and William of Orange set the sat-nav to 's-Hertogenbosch.